Feeling the Need to Let it all Out!

I realize that this is my second post of the day. But, I've gone weeks without saying anything! Not a word, so I guess I'm going to make up for lost time. So, while the two younger boys are protecting the house from "indians and dinosaurs", I'm going to type away!

The more I think about life, the further away I am from figuring it out. This is how it seems anyway. I still can't decide what I want to do when I "grow up", and the more I think about that, the further away I am from coming up with anything! The conclusion? Stop thinking.

I have come up with one answer though, I absolutely LOVE being a daughter of God. So many times I would have been lost except for this knowledge. Sometimes I do slip. I look in the mirror, and I just want to go find someone and say, "Save me from myself!" Even though I am not conciously doing anything but, hopefully, prevention. However, there have been times when I've gotten home from a meeting or a lesson so filled with the spirit and his love that I look in the mirror, and I can almost see what he sees. He truly "looketh on the heart". I read a talk that Sheri Dew gave the other day, she said something to the effect of the women of the church being the greatest there ever has been, ever. And we're only getting greater. We are truly the noble and great ones, born at this time to raise the even more noble and great ones. And refering to Satan, she said, "It is no secret to him that we are the Lord's secret weapon." And I had a light turn on in my brain.

It's not our perfectly styled hair, mancured nails, flawless skin, perfect figure, or designer clothes that makes us incredible women. When we talk about Madam Curie, or Eve, or Emma Smith, or Queen Esther, we don't talk about what they looked like, what brand of shoes they were wearing, no! We can raise amazing kids without wearing make-up, gel in our hair, and worrying about our weight. We are daughters of God, it's our knowledge of the gospel, our kind hearts, and sweet spirits that matter. Satan is attacking us on every side he can physically, but like anything he does, it doesn't matter!

Yes, I'll admit it, more often then not I am worried about what I look like. I hate that I can't control my acne, that I have frizzy hair, and that I have a few extra pounds on board. But this stops today. From now on, I will try my very best to look at myself and others as who they really are. Children of our Heavenly Father. Sons and daughters that are precious beyond imagining. Kind of like when you see a baby or a little toddler, no matter who they are, you can't help but love them. Why is it harder to do this with adults? It's my new resolve to love everyone, no matter what color, how dirty or ignorant, and how rude they are to me.
So, when I start complaining about someone, or saying I hate them. Slap me! Don't let me get away with it.

Another thing, once I started thinking about this, I realized, nothing else matters. We may be totally in love with that certain movie star, we know how old he is, where he was born, whether he looks best with short hair, brown hair, whiskers, no whiskers, or whatever, but when Christ comes again, where will that put us? All of the sudden the fanatical things that people worry about dim and fade away. I don't know whether Christ looks better with a beard or not, and really, I don't care. I just know that I love him! He is my awesome older brother who thinks I'm worth enough to pay for my sins, and die for me. He did this because he wants to be with me forever. He wants me to be happy. What better person is there?

I am a child of God! I've been singing about it all my life, and now, finally, 21 years, seven months, 16 days, 21 hours, and 49 minutes later, it's sinking in, and this time, I hope it sticks.

20 Questions

For Lack of Something Else to Do!

1. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? Everything!
2. What have you done in the past week to help someone else? Well, I'm babysitting for my sister right now, I've run numorous errands and done thousdands of chores for my mom....
3. Who is the best-dressed person you know? Hmmm... That is a good question. Probably Amy, I heart her clothes...
4. What is on your nightstand? I don't have a night stand. But my dresser is by my bed, and I keep books and the controllers to my TV, DVD player, and the X-Box 360 right there
5. If you were a cat, what kind of a cat would you be? I'm going to go with a Lion or tiger
6. If you lived in a house surrounded by acres of trees, what particular type of tree would you want flourishing on your land? Weeping willows or quakies...
7. What do you find to be very overrated? Ipods
8. How many email addresses do you have? Like five...
9. Have you ever felt replaced? Yes
10. Would you rather watch football or baseball? Football hands down
11. What is the wallpaper on your phone? The baby mouse I found in my yard and rescued from my dog.
12. Name a lyric from the song you're listening to. I'm not listening to a song
13. Do you use a feed reader? No?
14. What chocolate do you always leave in the box? The lemon ones. Ew
15. What would you do if you found out your ex is engaged? Be very happy for him!
16. Do words hurt you? Yes... Even though I pretend they don't.
17. Are you a talker or a listener? It really depends who I'm talking/listening to. There's some people I will gab at all day, and then there are some that I could listen to all day.
18. Have you ever walked on the beach at night? Hmmm.. I don't think so.
19. Who is your favorite professional athlete? I used to love Steve Young, I haven't picked a new one since he retired...
20. Which TV show have you seen pretty much every episode of? Alias

The Crazy Places Life Takes You...

Sometimes I wonder if we start life with a road in front of us, and if it's straight, because Heavenly Father knows us and the choices we will make, or if there are cross roads and turns and hills everywhere. I noticed while reading the Book of Mormon this time around, that even though the prophets cry repentence unto the wicked people (don't you just love my Book of Mormon lingo??), it's still prophesied that they'll be destroyed, and it happens. So do we ever fight fate? Is it possible to win? I wonder what would've happened to those people if they would've listened... Or were they already doomed because of those prophecies?

Just some food for thought. I don't like taking it too far because it messes with my head, and I can't figure anything out after. It just makes me wonder if I knew I would be in this exact spot before I came to earth, or if I was supposed to be down some paved road in a whole 'nother state or something. *sigh* I don't regret anything, but I just kinda wonder. It's one of those things I can't help, especially when I'm making new choices and trying to figure my life out. I think I'm coming to the conclusion that life can't be figured out, just experienced. That's my other thought for the day...

Well! Here it is, the coolest picture I've taken in ALONG time! Probably ever! While in Blanding, Annie, Aubrey, and I were at the reseivoir, and while I was wandering around, AKA wading in the lake, Annie and Aubrey were standing on a rock, and they looked down and saw this. Since I had the camera, and was already wet, I decided to just wade in and take this. I ♥ how it turned out! I pretty much fell over in the water when I saw how cool. :)

Just a little more than three weeks 'til spring everyone! Hurray! Soon there won't be any ice left out there to photograph!

Well, t-minus three days, one hour, and 38 minutes til the worst day of the year rolls around. Ok, not the worst. Not anymore. Valentine's Day is redeemed because this is the time of the year that the best candy ever is put on the shelf. HURRAY FOR CANDY HEARTS!! I'll admit it, I'm an addict. But is it really addiction when for one full month of the year, I eat some every day? Then that's it. It's over. Until the next year. Hehe.

I really don't have much to say. The usual is pretty much going on. I've been in Blanding and I am going back tomorrow. Family drama... Gotta love it. I'm really hoping I don't get sucked back in. But at least I get to run and hide in a small town for doom's day, right? Hurray for running and hiding and crying your heart out!

And a shout out to Downey, 'cause they make my clothes smell yummy. (Hey, I didn't want to leave them out!)

So, I was watching a movie, and it had little wooden blocks in the background of one of the scenes, and while it was a very touching scene that was important to the whole plot of the story, I kept getting distracted by the wooden blocks! I kept thinking about my own little blocks that were so much fun! And how everyone probably has some while they're growing up. And this is the poem that resulted... It's funny, I never considered myself a poet. I still don't really. But I write more poems than anything else. I guess some people have their photography blogs, where they capture moments in life that are so precious and beautiful. I like to think I do that, but with words. Probably not as cool, but I can't take pictures to save my life! And I can't tell you how hard it was to type sparkle!

Small wooden blocks,
different colors,
different letters,
and numbers.

Stacked to make words,
stacked to have fun.
Placed with care,
to build a master piece.

Small little hands,
dimpled with youth.
All the world revolves,
around these little blocks.

Innocent little eyes,
laugh with the fun,
and sparkle with love
for little colored blocks.

From the Very Pit of Despair
I suppose now more than ever I can relate to that place, in The Princess Bride, that the albino refers to as "the pit of despair". That horrible place that sucks life, that simply takes your breath away, and that's not a good thing.

I've fallen into such a pit. A place I can't think about without having the urge to vomit. I find it hard to even breath, and when I think about the future, I start to cry. I've found that this pit gaps wider and darker late at night, after everyone I know has gone to bed, and I'm left a lone with my thoughts. It's gotten worse since I've been trying to go to bed earlier, I lay there trying to sleep, but thoughts come rushing in, bombarding my belief that yes, I'm "over it".

It's raining... Most people find that depressing, and I guess I do too right now. But, I think the best thing about the rain, is when the sun finally does come back, and shines on everything that's wet, and brings it to life. Everything is clean and the light reflects off all the water, and it's a whole new world. I'm trying to look at this experience as something like that. Although parts of this is so hard to deal with, the sun will come out, and I'll be able to see how much the rain helped, and how much I have left to grow. So I'm putting back on a happy face, determined to smile and enjoy the rain!

So, while running today I thought of some pretty nice one liners. Random, I know, but what else am I supposed to think about while running? I've decided that it's time to get back into shape, and not just by loosing weight and starting to exercise again! It's like a full body/spirit makeover! I'm sore and tired and to the point that it's so hard I'm ready to quit, but I'm almost over the hill! Hopefully it's the very top hill and not just a foothill that still has a mountain behind it. This is why I think of one liners while exercising. because I need them!

Sometimes all you can do is look ahead and keep running.

It's not so much the distance, but the time.

When it hurts the most - that means it's working!

So for lack of something to write about, and for the fun of it, I am moving my 100 facts about myself from my facebook to here. Maybe I'll be up to snuff again in awhile to actually be able to be creative enough to write. I've had a cold for the past three days and still trying to get over a break up, so...

1. I broke my shoulder once - I was doing a handstand...
2. Olivia and I used to be pretty good at doing handstands until that night.
3. Even though I say that I don't over and over, I really do want to have kids.
4. Sometimes I can't help feeling like a complete loser.
5. I spend way too much time on facebook.
6. I cry very easily over other peoples problems.
7. I like to pretend I'm tough, and I never cry over my own problems.
8. One day I'm going to crack, and I'm scared what it's going to be like.
9. I only have one regret in my life.
10. Conversation hearts are the only reason I let Valentine's Day exist.

11. I talk in my sleep.
12. If Mr. Darcy really existed, I'd be his number one stalker.
13. I love Jane Austen's stories.
14. I hate the expectations that fictions has given men. They're impossible.
15. Until I meet a man that meets these expectations, I won't get married.
16. I'm lactious intolerant.
17. But I dip my PB and J's in milk before I eat them.
18. I can't open sealed jars for the life of me.
19. I love being outside!
20. Accents are hot,

21. One day I want to be someone worth while.
22. I love 80's music.
23. Recently I've also acquired a taste for Irish bands....
24. I hate cold weather.
25. The zoo has become one of my favorite places ever.
26. I have naturally curly hair that bothers me to no end, but I won't trade it for anything!
27. It's official that I can't stay depressed for very long.
28. I'm easily entertained.
29. And very easily distracted.
30. I love comfortable silences. Like at testimony meetings...

31. I love being spontaneous and unpredictable.
32. I taught myself how to play the piano.
33. I'm fascinated by blood and gore.
34. Queasy isn't something I get very often at all.
35. I bite my nails when I'm anxious.
36. You can probably get me to do anything as long as I'm wearing rubber gloves.
37. If I told you what I have done with rubber gloves, you'd be sick.
38. I love lame jokes!
39. I've actually been to the principal's office once.
40. Chocolate can fix anything.

41. I think the safest place I can be is wrapped in one of my mom's hugs.
42. Sometimes I like to pretend I'm still a little girl, without responsibilities.
43. I love being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints!
44. The atonement is the greatest blesssing ever.
45. I am a child of God.
46. I love temples!
47. My favorite scripture stories are about Esther and Ruth.
48. My favorite Hymns are #284 and #335
49. I judge people by the socks they wear.
50. I'm a blonde in disguise.

51. A baby laughing is the best sound in the world.
52. I love rain.
53. I trip walking on flat surfaces.
54. I've had my heart broken twice.
55. I own more black shirts than any other color.
56. I'm a neat freak.
57. I have asthma.
58. I loose chapstick faster than anything.
59. I've been mattress surfing.
60. I love John Wayne movies.

61. I hate shopping.
62. Jamba Juice is amazing!
63. I love roller coasters.
64. If I'm mad at you, buy me cotton candy.
65. I miss roller blading...
66. I used to be a tomboy. Still kinda am.
67. Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney princess.
68. Sometimes I pretend life is a fairy tale.
69. I think reality is taken way to seriously.
70. I'm one of the shrotest in my family.

71. I have seventeen brothers and sisters.
72. I'm proud of where I come from!
73. I used to think 16 years old was a prime age.
74. I love mountain biking, even though I wreck -alot.
75. I love swinging.
76. Sometimes I think up great proposals. If you ever need an idea, drop me a line!
77. One of my worst fears is drowning. I hate having my head underwater.
78. I don't like insects, or snakes.
79. I own a puncuation book I read for fun.
80. I'm a daddy's girl.

81. Spinich and artichoke dip is the best thing EVER! Try it!
82. I love popcorn.
83. I want to travel one day.
84. Arlington National Cemetary has a piece of my heart. (refer to #54)
85. My favorite food is Navajo Tacos.
86. I love to eat!
87. When I'm down, I take bubble baths and play the piano.
88. I've eaten rattlesnake.
89. I love lilies and daisies.
90. I love smells and the memories they bring back.

91. I won't ever buy myself an iPod because everyone else has one.
92. I don't like to conform.
93. I almost died from chicken pox when I was little.
94. I'm a firm believer in jumping in with both feet!
95. I miss high school sometimes. Not the drama, just my friends and the good times.
96. I love walking in grass with barefeet.
97. Stars are amazing... They make me feel little and insignificant.
98. I'm not ticklish.
99. All the cars I've ever owned have been wrecked, but not by me.
100. I should probably see a therapist!

I can't think,
I can't breathe,
My heart refuses to beat.
I wish time would stop.

I don't want to move,
I don't want life to keep moving.
Can't time stop and realize,
that my heart is breaking?

I'm tired of the sorrys,
I'm sick of your lies.
I just want to run away,
and hide from the world.

One day this will be though of,
as a time of growth.
A new beginning I won't regret,
but right now, I hurt.

I suppose nothing in life can ever be described as easy. Even breathing. Because, at some point, even that is the hardest thing someone can manage to accomplish.

I went to the CES fireside last night, where President Monson spoke about the great expectations that we have, and that are there for us. Heavenly Father has given us such a wonderful gift - life! Without him, we would be nothing, and if we don't accept his help, that's what we'll eventually turn into anyway. But what potential is ours if we do accept his help! What can we become if we take his hand and let him mold us into a masterpiece. Hopefully, I'll survive that long!

So my older sister, DaNae, and I went down to Cedar City for the day to my sister-in-law's baby shower. We had a blast! Given, the driving sucked, and then I had my brother go put new tires on my car while we were at the shower, and that wasn't fun either, since it cost ALOT! But all in all, it was an amazing day trip. I don't think I've laughed so much in a long time. After the shower we went to Josh and Janece's apartment, and roasted marshmellows over a candle, we even tried stuffing them with Hersey Kisses! Just a side note: marshmellows stuffed with kisses and then roasted are the bomb!

Life besides that is... sketchy. One day I'll understand why everything has to hit and why I have to go through somethings, but I just really want to cry a lot. And sometimes I give in to that feeling. I'm just waiting for the understanding to dawn, and then I'll be ok, I think.

Still waiting to determine a winner on the Jamba Juice winner between Amy and I. I'd write more on that subject, but I might get into trouble by someone reading and telling the wrong person. Haha! But it's a great game that makes me want to cry harder. *sigh* What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? I hope?

I'm so grateful to be a member of the church and have the knowledge of the gospel on my side! It's honestly what keeps me going! Every once in awhile I do have my doubts. But I don't think that Heavenly Father would ever pull a fast one on us. He's not up there saying, "Ha! Can't believe they fell for that one!" He's cheering everyone on! And somehow that bolsters me up! This life is but a small moment. It's that long day in our eternal perpective that we just have to live through! Like finals week at school, eventually it will be over! And EVERYONE graduates! It just depends on what kinda job we get after... Haha! Ok, VERY bad analogy. Sorry for that.

This is a rather scattered posting. And I'm sorry about that too! But, oh well!

Sometimes I can't explain it, but things just pop into my head, and I feel the urge to write them down. Since I don't have any paper around at the moment, I figure this was the best place to write thoughts down. Perhaps they're no good, but I feel better when I have them written down, so maybe one day I can go back and edit them! I totally made up the word unplanningness by the way, I don't think it's a real word, so I'm just letting you know, it's mine! It makes sense to me, and I like it! Deal!

Unplannigness happens accidently.
The stumble upon a new road,
that is more appealing than the last.

Uncertainy creates adventure.
Not knowing what's going to happen,
makes for a better ending.

Undoing destroys masterpieces.
Feeling discontentment with something
should always be slept on.

Understanding brings light.
Knowing why something happens
can lift the load off shoulders.

__________________________________________

I love you. Your smile, the look I catch you giving me when you think I'm not looking. The look you give me when you know I'm looking. I'm always aware of every move while you're in the same room, and always anxious when you're out of it. I listen in on your conversations while only paying half attention to my own. My hand aches to be held by yours, my heart beats to be loved and comforted by your touch. When brushed by your fingers, my skin ignites, every fiber tingling with awareness. In your arms I find the only peace my mind will accept. When I'm with you I'm the most gorgeous person, and I don't ever feel worthless, or inconspicuous. You're a man amoung men, the only air I want to breathe, and the only life I want to know. Please don't ask me to let go. Don't make me beg to hold on a little longer. Let me be the first thing you want to touch in the morning, and the last thing you taste at night. Burst with excitement to tell me a funny story, or just to hear my voice. Handling you leaving isn't possible. Uncontrollable pain rakes my soul with the thought. You're the reason I know how to feel the sun on my face, the purpose behind waking, and if you ask me to say goodbye, I'll become a shell, a being that simply has one purpose, to exist.

______________________________________________

Broken into a million pieces,
I fall further down than ever before.
Beaten beyond recognition,
I finally raise the white flag.
I don't know how to win,
and not sure I'm willing to try anymore.
I've fought for so long,
my heart feels weary-
shattered.
Nothing feels right,
even the air feels strange in my lungs.
It doesn't seem right,
that I can still breathe.
Didn't my world end?

Addiction –noun -the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

This is me. Addicted to Facebook, and most of all, the Scramble game on Facebook. I haven't managed a very high score yet, only #2 out of my friends, but everyday, that's where you will find me, trying to make enough three letter words to get more than 131 points. That's a lot of three letter words by the way. Sometimes there is an -s, so then a lot of those three letter words can become four letter words. And if there's an -ed, five letter words sometimes! It's amazing how the english language works! Every once in awhile I will get lucky and stumble upon a larger word, quite out of the blue. Pure entertainment I tell you.

I'm also addicted to a new book series by Sharon Shinn. Yes, it's fantasy! Who knew? The only fantasy books I've read before have been the green rider and... that's all I can think of! I'm sure I've read one or two more, but...? So, there it is, my deep dark secret. I'm becoming a fantasy fanatic and country music is starting to appeal to me again. What is this world coming to? A blessed end I hope! And the sooner the better I think. Am I morbid for saying that? No, we don't have enough adventure today... Just lame addictions that make our lives boring and predictable.

So close, and still so far...
The result of a great study of life has revealed little. Life doesn't like to be studied, and so hence, I have given up! I am competely amazed everyday at the little curve balls that can be thrown my way, and then again, I am also surprised that life can be somewhat predictable.

Despite not being such a great blogger, I still feel the need to write every once and awhile. Although I still profess that I am not a great writer at all! The reason this blog even exists is because of a creative writing class I took two and a half years ago. Isn't it great how college still has an effect on my life?

I realized today how happy I was not to be taking classes, still. I suppose one day I will feel like I need to complete my life, and get that stupid bachelor's degree that's probably only a year away, but I don't think I could handle a year right now, especially a year of hard upper divison classes. I've thought about changing my major, again. Maybe if I found something a little more enjoyable, I wouldn't mind school so much! There's an idea...

And Happy New Year by the way! 2009 already! Time is beginning to do that thing where it goes faster and faster, and I just have to watch it go by, wondering where it's going and how much of it I'm loosing. Ah!



Here's Amy and I in our New Year's hats. We were actually just wandering through Wal-Mart and decided we should get a picture with some on, so we could actually look like we'd been somewhat festive.

Well, here's my goal. To actually keep this blog up to date! We will see how well that goes... Hehe!